It's Hard to Live
I had intended for my next post to be about Roller Derby and the joys and adventure ahead of me. I had planned to talk about the end of the Glass Explorer program. That's not what I want to talk about today.
The hardest thing I have ever done in my life, is living.
No one truly knows what goes through someone's mind when they are at their lowest. The struggle with depression is personal, dark, and terrible. Some days are easier than others, but that cloud is always there.
Most of us who suffer this invisible illness smile, we push, we try our hardest. Some can keep forcing it their whole lives, or most of their lives. Some get caught up in that darkness, and lose the fight though.
It's not easy. Being sad so much of the time takes it toll. Most of the time you suffer alone. Why? You don't want to burden another with your feelings even you know are irrational at times. No one ever said feeling made sense, right? So you (we) hide our feelings and push them down.
That's terrible, isn't it? We are taught from a young age (all sexes, all people) that to feel anything but happiness is unacceptable. It becomes taboo, especially for some, to cry or just be sad. We are taught to "keep it in check" so we do not bring down others.
Because of these teaching some people do not even know how to handle the sadness of others. It took a lot of work for my own love, my husband, to learn that I cannot simply "get over" a feeling. I need to feel it. Back before we really explored what it meant to be depressed and I felt sad and I could not explain it he would get frustrated that he could not fix my mood and there was no rational reason for it, he would make it worse with and just say "Well, then get the F#ck over it". He didn't know that that made it worse.
We worked together, and he gets it now. Not fully, but he understands that that is just not how it works. Now, he knows when to hold me when I need it and when to leave me alone when I need it. He still gets visibly frustrated when I am sad, but he no longer lashes out. It's a start!
No one knows, not truly, what is going on in another person's mind. We love to think we know what our partner really feels or thinks, but we just cannot. This is especially apparent when the darkness wins.
No matter how much love there is, no matter how many happy moments and days and adventures, sometimes it is just too much.
I am not at all saying every moment is plagued with sadness... absolutely not. Joy is still there in moments and times. My joys are what keep me going. I surround myself with them, so much so that I seem possessed or obsessed with some things.
Recently I lost a friend. Someone who could make my heart lighter just by being in relative proximity. From what I understand, her darkness defeated her light. I do not blame her, and I do not fault her. I said in a previous post that no one is to blame when this happens. I do not blame her, and I do not blame her life.
I do blame the illness that plagues so many. This unseen cold that enters even the brightest and warmest of us, it is terrible and ugly and I hate it.
I have said it before, and I will say it again... it's hard, especially in the darkest moments, but please reach out.
In my life, I have now lost 4 people to themselves.
I only love them. I do not blame them. I am not angry with them. I am not angry. I am sad. Sad that I missed the opportunity to say how much I cared for them. Sad that "soon" became "never" in a single moment.
I vowed recently: no more "soon", because sometimes soon doesn't come. No more "another time" because that time may never happen. No more waiting for the right moments, every moment is the right moment.
Try to remember you are not alone.
Try to remember your joys.
National Resources
Suicide Prevention Resource Center
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Local Resources
New Hampshire Suicide Hotlines
Massachusetts Suicide Prevention Resources
The hardest thing I have ever done in my life, is living.
No one truly knows what goes through someone's mind when they are at their lowest. The struggle with depression is personal, dark, and terrible. Some days are easier than others, but that cloud is always there.
Most of us who suffer this invisible illness smile, we push, we try our hardest. Some can keep forcing it their whole lives, or most of their lives. Some get caught up in that darkness, and lose the fight though.
It's not easy. Being sad so much of the time takes it toll. Most of the time you suffer alone. Why? You don't want to burden another with your feelings even you know are irrational at times. No one ever said feeling made sense, right? So you (we) hide our feelings and push them down.
That's terrible, isn't it? We are taught from a young age (all sexes, all people) that to feel anything but happiness is unacceptable. It becomes taboo, especially for some, to cry or just be sad. We are taught to "keep it in check" so we do not bring down others.
Because of these teaching some people do not even know how to handle the sadness of others. It took a lot of work for my own love, my husband, to learn that I cannot simply "get over" a feeling. I need to feel it. Back before we really explored what it meant to be depressed and I felt sad and I could not explain it he would get frustrated that he could not fix my mood and there was no rational reason for it, he would make it worse with and just say "Well, then get the F#ck over it". He didn't know that that made it worse.
We worked together, and he gets it now. Not fully, but he understands that that is just not how it works. Now, he knows when to hold me when I need it and when to leave me alone when I need it. He still gets visibly frustrated when I am sad, but he no longer lashes out. It's a start!
No one knows, not truly, what is going on in another person's mind. We love to think we know what our partner really feels or thinks, but we just cannot. This is especially apparent when the darkness wins.
No matter how much love there is, no matter how many happy moments and days and adventures, sometimes it is just too much.
I am not at all saying every moment is plagued with sadness... absolutely not. Joy is still there in moments and times. My joys are what keep me going. I surround myself with them, so much so that I seem possessed or obsessed with some things.
Recently I lost a friend. Someone who could make my heart lighter just by being in relative proximity. From what I understand, her darkness defeated her light. I do not blame her, and I do not fault her. I said in a previous post that no one is to blame when this happens. I do not blame her, and I do not blame her life.
I do blame the illness that plagues so many. This unseen cold that enters even the brightest and warmest of us, it is terrible and ugly and I hate it.
I have said it before, and I will say it again... it's hard, especially in the darkest moments, but please reach out.
In my life, I have now lost 4 people to themselves.
I only love them. I do not blame them. I am not angry with them. I am not angry. I am sad. Sad that I missed the opportunity to say how much I cared for them. Sad that "soon" became "never" in a single moment.
I vowed recently: no more "soon", because sometimes soon doesn't come. No more "another time" because that time may never happen. No more waiting for the right moments, every moment is the right moment.
Try to remember you are not alone.
Try to remember your joys.
National Resources
Suicide Prevention Resource Center
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Local Resources
New Hampshire Suicide Hotlines
Massachusetts Suicide Prevention Resources
I'm so sorry, Beth. Depression runs in my family, and all of what you've said is familiar. I'm having trouble finding words right now, but I wish I could just hug a million peoples' pain away.
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