Not Always

I'm not always strong. 

There are more days than I can count where I look at my own face and I wonder "what fucking right do I have to even be alive".

I beat myself up a lot. More often than I care to admit, even to myself. Every conversation gets played to death in my head. Every misspoken word and every fuck up just goes on and on in an unending loop.

I'm not always strong.

There are days I can barely claw my way out of bed because it's easier to just fucking sleep than it is to face the world outside. I'm lucky I work from home. If I had to go into the office every day, I'd likely have be fired by now.

I'm not always kind.

Especially when it comes to me taking to me. I'm a fucking asshole to myself. When I can't stand myself is when I become more of an Asshole to those around me.

I'm not always nice.

One of my pieces of armor is more like a sword. One I swing wildly to drive people away when I am at my worst, just so they cannot see my weakness. I come off like a complete bitch, but really, I just want to be left alone to cry for a little while.

I'm not always good.

Some days I'm downright horrible. I insult, lash out, and hurt those around me. I'm lucky I have those who love me and hold me tight and understand.

One thing I am is true. I'm true to me. I won't let me depression win, and to that end I'll never lie to myself. If I'm not okay, I tell myself and it's okay.

I'm not always strong. But, that doesn't mean that I will stop trying to be.


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