My Mom Died

On July 12th of 2022, my mother died.

She had been sick for a long time. So, it wasn't a surprise. Still... none of us were really ready. 

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride. I feel like I am losing my mind moment to moment. One day, one hour, I am fine. The next, not so much. I am having a hard time just existing on the most basic level. 

So, without a good outlet, here I am. Writing in my old ravings blog about it. About how it hurts, about the reality of death, about the things they used to say you should never talk about. 

But where do I begin?

The 80's were a wild time.

My mother and I had a complicated relationship. 

I cannot think of an exact time when we were in sync, on the same page, or some other phrase showing how connected we were. Still, we were very connected. Sometimes it felt like we knew each other better than we let on. Other times it felt like we knew nothing about each other at all. 

For a lot of years, it felt as though she wanted to be friends more than she wanted to be a mom. Sometimes that was alright. But sometimes I just needed my mom to be my mom. 
Like I said, complicated. 

Even with that, I always knew she loved me. Sometimes it felt like that love was conditional, but I know it wasn't really. It was a true love, between parent and child. One that, when the bond is formed, cannot truly be broken.

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